Heavily on My Mind

by Juliana Dominguez Casas on Monday, March 8, 2010 at 6:46pm.

There's this thought in my mind that keeps popping up.... I wonder

I wonder about what would have happen had I talked to that guy I had in class in 2001?

He would write, and write, and write, his eyes were lost in a place what he called "Peace"

His hand would move filling that empty page with the power of his pen.

He would read books that had strange titles such as, Principia discordia.

He tried finding his place. I can see the depression through his empty eyes.

his look was as empty as a abandoned house does when unsold for years.

I felt my sweaty hands and racing heart beat faster then my thoughts can calm me.

I wanted to talk to him. I did. then the bell rang and he was ready to storm out the room and as everyone left. I stayed behind, nagging at my cowered mind. I told my self "Tomorrow"

that night I planned my approach. I thought about writing him a letter. Yet I felt urgency in his soul.

Next day, I was excited I was ready yet still nervous but, prepared, I sung myself into the class hoping to be early enough than the rest so I can initiate a conversation He was not there, I thought "maybe he is running late, even though its so unlike him. he is an honor student and ever punctual" I waited, waited, and the bell rang everyone filled the class, and my heart began to race, my heart was beating hard against my chest, and a cynical voice screamed in my ears that no one can hear but my sorrowful soul. "he is mine!" I began to cry in my heart when a school social worker came in with an announcement. All i can say, in my mind was "Please don't say fourth role, 3rd seat please don't say fourth role 3rd seat!!! God Please No" she opened he mouth and said that the body of Jose* your peer that sat on the fourth role 3rd seat" was found with a gun wound to his head. An apperant suicide. my heart sank inside me. I can hear his soul asking me why did you not tell me??? Why did you not tell me?????

I was speechless and numb. This is why I speak the way I speak now. I am sorry when I am blunt, this experience forever changed me.

*Name changed for privacy reasons